3 Simple Steps to Resolve a Resentment in 3 Minutes
Do you ever get mad when someone doesn’t shut up, gets off topic and rambles in a meeting? Does your behavior come out sideways and you act like . . . a brat without a recovery filter.
Is this you?
Look around to find another like minded person; you both grimace, shaking your head as your eyes roll skyward.
Get super fidgety and disrupt those around you. Don’t blame it on being ADHD.
Make derogatory remarks about the speaker to another (you presume to be) kindred spirit next to you.
Take the speaker’s inventory and decide she/he is an idiot.
Subconsciously feel superior and self-righteous inside with a bloated puffy chest of hot energy spewing everywhere.
Perfect … this is good. You recognize that you are acting exactly the same as the person speaking.
Whenever you have a major negative reaction to something or someone, it is one of your ancient resentment triggers that need attention NOW.
3 Simple Steps to Resolve a Resentment in 3 Minutes.
- Distract your focus. Grab your phone. Start reading your email or play a game for one minute. Doodle if you can’t pick up your phone. This gives your focus some space to shift from obsessing.
- Look up to observe how other people are listening to the speaker for one minute. OMG; some people are enjoying the speaker … What!?
- Now, look inside of you for one minute and discover the old ancient pain from the resentment triggered by the speaker. OMG! The speaker is my 3rd grade math teacher who screwed my logic for math. I feel dumb because I can’t do math.
Look up and give thanks to the speaker for giving you an opportunity to grow a little bit more in your recovery today.
You shifted your focus from self superiority to empathy for the speaker.
Take a “big atta girl, atta boy” pat on the back! Fantastic. Congratulations!
Neuroscience & a gofler’s controversial choice on winning the point for the European, 2015 Solheim Cup
Why was Suzanne’s only option in the heat of competition: ‘I did not give her that putt’?She is a professional golfer. She knows the rules, understands that integrity and sportsmanship are as important to the game of golf as being a world-class golfer.
Yet in that moment, at the zenith of competing, she chose winning a point for Europe over being a professional sports person.
How does that happen? Let me explain from a neuroscience perspective.
Suzanne’s brainwaves where racing on a narrow focused highway in execute mode to win for her country, no matter what. Another way to give you a picture of narrow focus; it is like a thin light beam on the target … you only see what’s inside the light beam. She could only think inside her narrow focus of win, no matter what.
Think about when you have been a laser to getting what you want. Maybe you push and shove people to get to that celebrity autograph or continually interrupt people to make your own point. And … if you are watching others doing those behaviors, you rip them for being idiots.
When you are in narrow focus, it is mentally impossible to see a different point of view. You must switch focus and widen your mental periphery to enable you to strategize your next move.
Within 24 hours Suzanne posted her heartfelt apology.
Imagine, if in that crucial moment on the 17th green during the last day of competition, she knew which mental tool to pull out of her bag switching her into strategy mode … knowing how to slow her brain down. You bet she would have made a different choice.
Tip: How to switch your narrow focus from ‘execute mind set’ (fast) to ‘strategy mind set’ (slow)
When you are in narrow focus momentum, you don’t stop and think; you execute with emotion, brainwaves speed up.
When you strategize the action removing emotion from the process, brainwaves slow down.
Let break it down from a neuroscience mind set:
- Remove all emotion from the process. You can’t determine the goal until you see all sides of the conversation.
- Strategize the action you are about to take; walk your mind through the process without emotion
brainwaves slow down to 9-11 hertz leaving space between your thoughts for options
- Release all attachment from the decision and take a mental vacation.
brainwaves slow down to 6-7 hertz, letting go of all prejudiced thought.
- Now revisit your choice. Bring the emotion back in; 16 hertz
- Establish your own personal standard … All’s well, feeling good.
- Execute with emotion; 42 hertz! You are rockin’… Everyone’s favorite space.
Golfers switch between these two mind sets with every golf shot they hit.
When golfers are stuck in the strategy mind set while hitting a golf ball, they over think and hit the ball in the water; you have lost execute mode.
If you are in execute mode when you should be in strategy mode, you make poor choices as Suzanne did; as Jean van de Velde’s epic strategy choices exhibited during the 1999 British Open when he triple bogeyed the last hole.
Give yourself a break the next time you make an idiot decision at work or hit an idiot golf shot. If the best players in the world can do it, you know you can too!
It is always what you do after the mistake that determines a champion.
Suzanne Pettersen is a true champion. Suzanne’s instagram
Winning in Addiction Recovery
What does you remaining in recovery have in common with Serena Williams winning the calendar Grand Slam? Nerves!!
- When you become nervous, you physically lose flexibility.
- You make quick decisions and take low percentage shots.
Tennis Coach Bollettieri’s Tips for tennis:
Change the pace a little bit; relax.
Let your anger be released, and be ready to play the next point.
Mirroring Coach Bollettieri’s tennis performance to control your nerves in recovery!
- When you become nervous, your mind loses flexibility
- feeling the compulsion to take a drink – spew some rage out of your mouth, piss off your family and friends.
- You make quick decisions and take low percentage shots,
- creating drama wherever you go
Addiction Recovery Coach Penny’s Tips for recovery:
Take a step back, take a deep breath, feel some space between you and your raw nerves.
Get productive instead of compulsive!
Recovery is about a whole lot of mini pauses to check in and take a ‘chill-pill’ allowing you to pull out a tool to keep you going in a smooth groove … to finish … to feel accomplished … to give yourself an ‘atta girl/atta guy’!